Deeper and deeper...
- The Should-Be, Could-Be, Would-Bes of Baby Loss from the blog "An Unexpected Family Outing"
I am doing my best I really am... but I still feel like I am drowning.
I continue to read and read and read and read... book after book, blog after blog... story after story. One second I think it is helping, the next I am left with an even bigger hole, a bigger knot in my throat, a heavier weight on my chest.
What is the point of anything anymore?
I read something today that just drove a knife into my heart because it said what I know my wife and I have been thinking.
Having twins is a special gift... not better or worse than any other singleton but special in a unique way. The opportunity to raise two babies together and to see their bond grow and develop. To know forever and ever they will have each other and they will feel a connection just a little more "deep" than other siblings might feel.
Now that is gone. Gone forever. We may go on to have children, but never again will we live this dream we had become so hopelessly attached to.
Who knows maybe that is better... after all who could possibly live up to Graham and Savannah? They deserve to be our ONLY twins, don't they?
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This morning was terrible. For the first time since this nightmare began, I woke up and for one brief instant really felt like it wasn't real and my wife was just sleeping beside me with two beautiful babies still inside her.
When the flood of reality came rushing into my mind, the devastation felt so brand new. It was like every scab that had just STARTED to form to help protect me was violently ripped off... and now all over were fresh, bleeding wounds.
This morning I just lie in bed and thought "How much longer can I do this?" Like I said, I have become obsessed with reading but at the same time I am so sick of reading the same things over and over: this will be with you for life, you will never get over it, it will continue to tear at you for as long as you live, no matter how much you think you have progressed you will still have days that bring you to your knees and have you weeping uncontrollably....
I already feel like Michele and I are "lepers". Who would want to be around us anymore? Who would we want to be around anymore?
"These feelings are totally normal and EVERYONE feels them in these situations" the books and blogs tell me.
HOW THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO HELP ME.
I did read somewhere that you can become so bitter, so angry that you resent even the rising and the setting of the sun. At first I thought that sounded ridiculous but now I get it. Everything continues and people are happy and life is great and the sun rises and the sun sets and yet here we are stuck in this crippling grief. We haven't moved at all. We don't feel any different, any better... we are lying in the same ditch we fell in when this all began. The only thing that has changed is we have hit rock bottom only to manage to dig just a little bit deeper and find a new low seemingly every day.
"But don't worry you will climb out of that hole one day..."
Really? Do you know what is waiting for us at the top?
Our due date. Other people's babies being born beautiful, healthy and strong. Other pregnant mothers. Questions like "Do you have any kids?" Questions to our doctors to see if we can or will get pregnant again?
Our faith and innocence has been forever destroyed. When something like this happens, you realize nothing is safe. Nothing is ever truly in your control. The thought can eat at you like a virus... what is the point of anything if anything can be completely ripped away from you at ANY time and there is nothing you can do about it?
How will I ever get over living every day knowing that it wasn't supposed to be with this way? That is my biggest question... I feel like it is the KEY. I need to find my peace with this before I can even think about moving forward in life. I get the rest I really do.... I get it. I know I will think about them every day and somedays I will be able to smile with them, some days I might cry and that is all ok. My wife and I will live again, we will enjoy what this life has to offer in our short time here.
But I can't get there until I figure this out... how to cope with every day without my babies that SHOULD BE HERE.
Until then I am going to lie here in this ditch looking up at all the pain and suffering that we still have to endure, knowing there is no escape, no way to avoid it....
This is too much.
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