“You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.” - Marcus Aurelius
The other day the bus driver thought I was Thea's grandfather.
Man that cut deep.
Not because of my ego. Quite frankly I think I look good for my age (and my Oura ring tells me my cardiovascular age is 7.5 years younger!)
It cut deep because it was a reminder.
Yes my wife and I had a really hard time getting pregnant.
Yes we had twin babies that didnt survive.
All of those things contributed to us having our children later than we had originally planned.
So... thank you sir. Thank you for your attempt at a kind greeting that ended up being a slap in the face that stung pretty bad.
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It still amazes me that after all these years, not a single day goes by I do not think of Graham and Savannah. Every time I look at Thea, Halston and Rhys I think about them. Sometimes its just a passing thought, but other times it is deeper...
I wonder what they would be like right now. They would be 6 years old... they would be in 1st grade. They would have been to Disney so many times already. They would have worn Giants shirts and Texas shirts and Mets shirts...
But then I am hit with a wave of pain and sorrow because that is ALL I can imagine. I have no idea what they might have looked like or sounded like. What their hair would have been like. Their eyes.
Brown like Halston?
Greenish like Thea?
Bright blue like Rhys?
I will never know and I cannot even begin to tell you how that breaks my heart over and over every single time I realize it.
I am struggling immensley lately with God. I hear all around me about prayer and stories about prayers that were answered.
Well God... we prayed. A lot. What made our prayers so unworthy of your attention?
Either you do not answer prayers which answers why we lost Graham and Savannah. There was nothing you could do.
Or you can answser prayers and you chose not to answer ours.
What am I supposed to do with this?
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I dont know how many years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes I have left. It is such a powerful quote to remember that at any moment, this period of our existence can come to an end.
This means I have to try and get it right every single day. For my wife and for my kids. And this is what that looks like:
- Patience
- Unconditional love
- Laughter
If every day I can show my wife and kids patience , especially during those challenging moments...
If every day I can show my wife and kids unconditional love, especially when they may feel undeserving of it.
If every day I can show my wife and kids a sense of humor and laughter, especially when every fiber of our being wants to be feel sad and afraid and hopeless....
If I can do those things every day, I can sleep at night knowing that I dont need another day. I would love another day, but I dont need it. I have done all I could for those that matter most to me.
And when my time comes, I wont be sad because I will be with Graham and Savannah. Forever.
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