554 days

  "Look After You" by The Fray

 "There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings." -Fydor Dostoevsky 

   It has been 554 days since we lost Graham and Savannah.  

   Does that seem like a long time to you?  Does it seem as though it should be an amount of time that brings about healing and resolution?  Enough time to cope, to understand, to learn lessons and move on?

   Because none of those things have happened. 

   There is no healing because every time a scar forms something comes along to rip it right off and make the wound new again.  We were told that what happened was solely a risk that comes along with carrying twins, but yet I see sets of twins almost everywhere I look.  Why did my babies not deserve a chance like all of them did?  That is a terrible thing to think but when you hold two of your children in your arms and they are not breathing or moving and you feel - in that very moment - every dream and wish and hope die with them... when you experience something like that it is impossible not to wonder these types of things.  

  There is no resolution.  My wife and I still struggle daily with "Why did this happen to us?" Again, not a healthy way to deal with trauma but unavoidable nonetheless.  We question God, we question doctors, we question the Universe... there has not been an ounce of resolution because resolution would mean accepting what happened and there is no way I could ever do that.  Accepting would be letting go and this pain and heartache is all I have of Graham and Savannah so guess what...?  I am NEVER letting it go.  

   I will never be able to cope or understand what happened with our twins.  As my wife and I stood over their grave recently we both said the same thing to each other... "This still doesnt even seem real."  It still seems impossible to me that we could have endured what we did.  If you were to describe to me the details of events- the challenges of getting pregnant, finding out we were pregnant, finding out it was twins, being told they were healthy and doing great, seeing their arms and legs and fingers and toes at all the appointments in the scans, and then being told there was a problem, being advised that aborting the pregnancy is an option because they might not survive, being told even if they do survive they will most likely face a number of medical issues moving forward, of having my wife lay on her back for 10 days straight in hopes of giving our babies the best chance possible to survive, of being alone in the room holding my sobbing wife when her fever spiked and we knew, of my wife going into labor, the epidural, the delivery of our son and 5 hours later our daughter - those very events that my wife and I endured, even as I type them I cannot fathom how we survived it or how I ever would survive it.  

   Life will always teach you lessons whether you like it or not but moving on?  I despise the phrase.  I hate it.  Move on... you want me to move on from our two children.  You want me to put aside my love and devotion that began the very INSTANT we were told they existed inside my wife's womb.  What parent WAITS to love their child until after they are born?  That is ridiculous.  I cant move on for many reasons but mainly because I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE ON.  I want to hold on if anything... hold on to the lives that should have been and hold on to the anguish for the lives that never will be.  Do not ever speak those words to me "move on" because that is asking me to "move on" from MY CHILDREN and as long as I exist in this life and in any other that will never ever happen.  

   I dont cry as much as I did but I wish I did.  It felt good to cry.  Now its just a black ball of pain that sits deep in my chest and I cant do anything about it.  Its always there... it never gets smaller and it never goes away.  It never moves, it never changes, its just always there.  Crying used to numb it for a while, like taking an aspirin that quiets the pain for a while but never ever cures it.  I dont cry as much anymore because I physically cant.  Because I cried so much already and after it is all said and done, it changed nothing.  Numbed the pain, yes.  Treated the pain, never.  Soon after the hurt would return and usually worse than before.  So what is the point of crying anymore?  

   I held Thea the other day and she was staring at something and when I followed her gaze it was a picture of the twins on the wall.  She was just staring and I KNEW that she recognized them.  She does stare at things now at 4 months old but this was different.  She was really focused... and it was like she was looking at something she has seen before.  

   I dont know how God works (trying to figure it out) but I know that Thea knew her brother and sister when she saw them.  And in that moment my heart almost lept out of my chest with so much love I could barely contain it... only to be slammed back down and shattered once again into a million pieces.  

No Thea, you will never get to play with your big brother and sister.

No Thea, you will never get to be in a family photo with your big brother and sister.  

No Thea, you will never get to share clothes with your big sister Savannah or fight over the TV with your big brother Graham.  

Some day my sweet baby Thea I will try to explain to you what happened... I will try because right now I just dont have the words or the strength to do it.  

  554 days have gone by and nothing has changed and everything has changed.  

  554 days.  

  And every single one of them has hurt like hell.