Changing...
"Funeral" by Phoebe Bridgers
"In that terrible and beautiful moment, I felt my spirit being torn apart. I can remember the feeling quite clearly. In that moment I recognized that some essential part of me had in that very instant been broken irreversibly and utterly and completely. It is a brokenness that I will never hope can be restored in this life."
- Interview excerpt from "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Deborah L. Davis Ph.D
Those aren't my words above... but they describe perfectly what it felt like on March 27 to hold both of my children in my arms, welcoming them into this world and saying goodbye to them in the same "terrible and beautiful moment".
Nothing else existed in that moment. No one else mattered. An entire hospital full of people living and dying, laughing and crying, and none of it was real in that moment. The doctors weren't real. No one was. The machines and the furniture were just props on a movie set. Everything was completely meaningless.
Except for my children. Except for my beautiful wife.
My family. Together for the very first and very last time on this earth.
The cries I let out in that moment will haunt me for the rest of my life... I had no idea I was capable of that. The yelling, the crying, the uncontrollable sobbing.
I should have held them more. I should have kissed them more. I should have kept them longer. I should have taken more pictures. I should have talked to them more. I should have played more music for them. I should have told them stories. I should have told them about their aunts and uncles and cousins that they never got to meet. I should have told them about their grandparents. I should have told them about Oscar and Bandit and how much they would have loved them. I should have told them about the Giants and the Mets.
Life has changed. I have changed. And while you may not see it right away, or possibly ever at all, its as true as can be.
I am terrified of changing for the worse. If that happened it would be the biggest disappointment to my babies and to my family and I just can't bear the thought of that happening.
But I am bitter... I am angry. I am calloused to the ways of the world.
The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh away.
Who does he take from? Just me and my wife? Everyone else seems perfectly fine to me.
Stop it Ryan you know that isn't true.
Oh you have problems do you? What could they be? Aches and pains? Plenty of money but not enough? Was someone mean to you? Does no one "understand" you? The world is so unfair to you right? Not enough feedback on social media for you? You poor thing I feel so bad for you...
Make me sick.
RYAN! STOP IT.
Oh please tell me more how I should "get over" my pain and sorrow. Please tell me how you can relate. Tell me how your hardships compare. Tell me what I "need to do". Tell me in all your infinite wisdom what is best for me and my wife.
Or better yet, SHUT YOUR MOUTH PLEASE.
Ryan... really? You are better than this.
And these are the internal conversations I have all day. Every day. Constantly.
But in the words of Marcus Aurelius:
"In that terrible and beautiful moment, I felt my spirit being torn apart. I can remember the feeling quite clearly. In that moment I recognized that some essential part of me had in that very instant been broken irreversibly and utterly and completely. It is a brokenness that I will never hope can be restored in this life."
- Interview excerpt from "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Deborah L. Davis Ph.D
Those aren't my words above... but they describe perfectly what it felt like on March 27 to hold both of my children in my arms, welcoming them into this world and saying goodbye to them in the same "terrible and beautiful moment".
Nothing else existed in that moment. No one else mattered. An entire hospital full of people living and dying, laughing and crying, and none of it was real in that moment. The doctors weren't real. No one was. The machines and the furniture were just props on a movie set. Everything was completely meaningless.
Except for my children. Except for my beautiful wife.
My family. Together for the very first and very last time on this earth.
The cries I let out in that moment will haunt me for the rest of my life... I had no idea I was capable of that. The yelling, the crying, the uncontrollable sobbing.
I should have held them more. I should have kissed them more. I should have kept them longer. I should have taken more pictures. I should have talked to them more. I should have played more music for them. I should have told them stories. I should have told them about their aunts and uncles and cousins that they never got to meet. I should have told them about their grandparents. I should have told them about Oscar and Bandit and how much they would have loved them. I should have told them about the Giants and the Mets.
Life has changed. I have changed. And while you may not see it right away, or possibly ever at all, its as true as can be.
I am terrified of changing for the worse. If that happened it would be the biggest disappointment to my babies and to my family and I just can't bear the thought of that happening.
But I am bitter... I am angry. I am calloused to the ways of the world.
The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh away.
Who does he take from? Just me and my wife? Everyone else seems perfectly fine to me.
Stop it Ryan you know that isn't true.
Oh you have problems do you? What could they be? Aches and pains? Plenty of money but not enough? Was someone mean to you? Does no one "understand" you? The world is so unfair to you right? Not enough feedback on social media for you? You poor thing I feel so bad for you...
Make me sick.
RYAN! STOP IT.
Oh please tell me more how I should "get over" my pain and sorrow. Please tell me how you can relate. Tell me how your hardships compare. Tell me what I "need to do". Tell me in all your infinite wisdom what is best for me and my wife.
Or better yet, SHUT YOUR MOUTH PLEASE.
Ryan... really? You are better than this.
And these are the internal conversations I have all day. Every day. Constantly.
But in the words of Marcus Aurelius:
"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength."
I wanted to raise Graham and Savannah to be strong - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I wanted them to be able to face the world with a conviction in their hearts and a belief in their minds that no matter what they could be happy and create happiness for those around them. I wanted so bad to teach them that they should not let others negatively impact who they are, what they feel, and how they think. Use those people as opportunities to show your true character, your true inner strength and be an example to others. I wanted to teach them that who you TRULY are can only be revealed in times of struggle and it is THOSE moments you can be the light you were meant to be in this world.
And if that is what I would have taught them, then surely it is how I must have led them. I am their father and words without actions are meaningless.
So kids... for you, I will be that example. I will conquer these thoughts and I will be the light on this earth that you have been and will continually to be for the remainder of time. That is your legacy, and that is how you will both change this world.
We miss you so much Graham and Savannah... mommy and daddy love you beyond words. And everything - EVERYTHING - we do will always be for you and with your love and spirit in our hearts.
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