What I Wouldn't Give...
"Gone Too Soon" by Daughtry
"... and it is the rare father who feels completely affirmed that his grief is natural, supported, and finding healthy expression."
- "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Deborah L. Davis, Ph.D
I read a lot about how men struggle to handle grief. We are supposed to maintain an image that society has cast on us that we are "tough" and we have to "man up" and "handle our business". Men typically struggle to express their grief and it turns into depression, abuse (self, chemical, others, etc.), anger and in many cases avoidance or just going numb to the world.
That is not me.
I do not have a problem crying or expressing how I feel. If anything, I am overly expressive about my feelings.
But that doesn't mean I am not struggling. Behind every smile you see you aren't seeing the countless tears streaming down my face at night when I'm alone. Behind every moment I seem ok, you aren't seeing me down on my knees sobbing uncontrollably trying to pick up the pieces of all the shattered dreams and hopes I once had for my children.
For every calm, peaceful moment you see you aren't seeing the storm constantly brewing inside me.
After all I am a man and I guess some of the stereotypes are true...
I am angry. And at times, I am angry in what you might consider irrational. But unless you have felt what we have felt, unless you have seen what we have seen, unless you have held your children in your arms, lifeless, beautiful, precious, so innocent and so perfect... and had to say goodbye to them... unless you have ever done anything like that I suggest you keep your opinions to yourself.
I am angry at people. I am angry at everyone's perfect lives with their happy perfect families.
"Oh we aren't perfect sometimes we argue and fight."
Stop it.
What I wouldn't give to be able to watch my wife go through labor and hold our babies and watch them cry and wiggle in her arms. What I wouldn't give to have to stay up late changing diapers. What I wouldn't give to argue and fight with my kids. What I wouldn't give to have my kids "drive me up a wall." What I wouldn't give to have a teacher call me to tell me my kid got into a fight. What I wouldn't give to have to stay up late and help my kids with their homework. What I wouldn't give to have to pick my kids up from different events and drive all over. What I wouldn't give to have to do their laundry. What I wouldn't give to have to cook them dinner. What I couldn't give to have to throw a birthday party for them. What I wouldn't give to find a way to pay for their school. What I wouldn't give to buy them a car...
What I wouldn't give to have them here. With us.
I understand that you can't fathom this. I can understand that families will still stress about what normal families stress about. And they will think its "so terrible."
If you get nothing from anything that I have ever said or wrote, please let it be this: You are blessed beyond all belief to have children. Whatever struggles come with it are still every bit as wonderful and a part of the blessing they have brought to you.
Cherish every moment. Every day. The good and the bad.
Some of us never got to experience any of that.
For Graham and Savannah... always.
"... and it is the rare father who feels completely affirmed that his grief is natural, supported, and finding healthy expression."
- "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Deborah L. Davis, Ph.D
I read a lot about how men struggle to handle grief. We are supposed to maintain an image that society has cast on us that we are "tough" and we have to "man up" and "handle our business". Men typically struggle to express their grief and it turns into depression, abuse (self, chemical, others, etc.), anger and in many cases avoidance or just going numb to the world.
That is not me.
I do not have a problem crying or expressing how I feel. If anything, I am overly expressive about my feelings.
But that doesn't mean I am not struggling. Behind every smile you see you aren't seeing the countless tears streaming down my face at night when I'm alone. Behind every moment I seem ok, you aren't seeing me down on my knees sobbing uncontrollably trying to pick up the pieces of all the shattered dreams and hopes I once had for my children.
For every calm, peaceful moment you see you aren't seeing the storm constantly brewing inside me.
After all I am a man and I guess some of the stereotypes are true...
I am angry. And at times, I am angry in what you might consider irrational. But unless you have felt what we have felt, unless you have seen what we have seen, unless you have held your children in your arms, lifeless, beautiful, precious, so innocent and so perfect... and had to say goodbye to them... unless you have ever done anything like that I suggest you keep your opinions to yourself.
I am angry at people. I am angry at everyone's perfect lives with their happy perfect families.
"Oh we aren't perfect sometimes we argue and fight."
Stop it.
What I wouldn't give to be able to watch my wife go through labor and hold our babies and watch them cry and wiggle in her arms. What I wouldn't give to have to stay up late changing diapers. What I wouldn't give to argue and fight with my kids. What I wouldn't give to have my kids "drive me up a wall." What I wouldn't give to have a teacher call me to tell me my kid got into a fight. What I wouldn't give to have to stay up late and help my kids with their homework. What I wouldn't give to have to pick my kids up from different events and drive all over. What I wouldn't give to have to do their laundry. What I wouldn't give to have to cook them dinner. What I couldn't give to have to throw a birthday party for them. What I wouldn't give to find a way to pay for their school. What I wouldn't give to buy them a car...
What I wouldn't give to have them here. With us.
I understand that you can't fathom this. I can understand that families will still stress about what normal families stress about. And they will think its "so terrible."
If you get nothing from anything that I have ever said or wrote, please let it be this: You are blessed beyond all belief to have children. Whatever struggles come with it are still every bit as wonderful and a part of the blessing they have brought to you.
Cherish every moment. Every day. The good and the bad.
Some of us never got to experience any of that.
For Graham and Savannah... always.
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