Raw Emotion
"Stars" by Grace Potter
"... some things in life cannot be fixed, they can only be carried..."
- Unknown
What terrifies me about losing our babies is that I am very well aware of the fact that this trauma, this grief, this pain, this suffering could absolutely destroy me. It is enough to completely alter the trajectory of my life and set me on a course of misery, dejection and failure. It is devastating enough to make me do something I never in my entire life thought would be possible: give up.
I am understanding the process of grieving and mourning. I have already bought several books on Amazon, I am reading blogs, I am contacting different organizations.
Everything I encounter affirms everything I am feeling is "totally normal", which for me provides no comfort. In fact, I came across a chapter in a book about bereavement concerning the loss of multiples (twins, triplets, etc.) The only thing it said was "Your pain will be that much more, your loss will be much heavier..."
What am I supposed to do with that?
Most stories that are shared are people talking about their loss of one child which even as I read their stories my heart breaks for them...
But can any of them imagine delivering one child and feeling the pain of that loss... the utter and complete devastation from knowing they are gone and never will you hear their voice or see the color of their eyes or hear them say "I love you mommy and daddy".... and then, hours later to have to do it AGAIN with your second child?
God forgive me please these thoughts are not right I know it... losing a child is something that transcends any "comparisons"... but how can I not feel that we have had it worse? Even as I type this I feel guilty and horrible for feeling this way... but I cant help it.
We held our lifeless son in our arms.
My wife held him in her arms while delivering our daughter.
We watched our daughter take shallow breaths, her undeveloped lungs unable to sustain her, and pass in our arms.
Images and memories that will never leave for me, for better or for worse.
Messages of love and support have poured in and we are so grateful for all of them. But I cant help but sense what everyone is feeling... the fact is, no one will ever look at my wife and I the same again. One woman who endured a similar loss said she felt like a "leper", isolated from the world.
I just keep hearing "I can't imagine..." or even more painful at times "I have kids of my own I cant imagine..."
I know the intent is pure and well meaning but it cuts us down to our very soul.
We have no choice but to imagine what you cannot possibly fathom because its our reality.
Our children are not with us, not smiling and laughing and providing us with daily memories like your children are...
It hasn't even been 48 hours... I know these emotions will be tempered once my emotions can work with my ability to be rational and logical.
But right now I cant think logically and I cant be rational. I just feel....
And everything I am feeling hurts like hell.
We miss our babies so much...
"... some things in life cannot be fixed, they can only be carried..."
- Unknown
What terrifies me about losing our babies is that I am very well aware of the fact that this trauma, this grief, this pain, this suffering could absolutely destroy me. It is enough to completely alter the trajectory of my life and set me on a course of misery, dejection and failure. It is devastating enough to make me do something I never in my entire life thought would be possible: give up.
I am understanding the process of grieving and mourning. I have already bought several books on Amazon, I am reading blogs, I am contacting different organizations.
Everything I encounter affirms everything I am feeling is "totally normal", which for me provides no comfort. In fact, I came across a chapter in a book about bereavement concerning the loss of multiples (twins, triplets, etc.) The only thing it said was "Your pain will be that much more, your loss will be much heavier..."
What am I supposed to do with that?
Most stories that are shared are people talking about their loss of one child which even as I read their stories my heart breaks for them...
But can any of them imagine delivering one child and feeling the pain of that loss... the utter and complete devastation from knowing they are gone and never will you hear their voice or see the color of their eyes or hear them say "I love you mommy and daddy".... and then, hours later to have to do it AGAIN with your second child?
God forgive me please these thoughts are not right I know it... losing a child is something that transcends any "comparisons"... but how can I not feel that we have had it worse? Even as I type this I feel guilty and horrible for feeling this way... but I cant help it.
We held our lifeless son in our arms.
My wife held him in her arms while delivering our daughter.
We watched our daughter take shallow breaths, her undeveloped lungs unable to sustain her, and pass in our arms.
Images and memories that will never leave for me, for better or for worse.
Messages of love and support have poured in and we are so grateful for all of them. But I cant help but sense what everyone is feeling... the fact is, no one will ever look at my wife and I the same again. One woman who endured a similar loss said she felt like a "leper", isolated from the world.
I just keep hearing "I can't imagine..." or even more painful at times "I have kids of my own I cant imagine..."
I know the intent is pure and well meaning but it cuts us down to our very soul.
We have no choice but to imagine what you cannot possibly fathom because its our reality.
Our children are not with us, not smiling and laughing and providing us with daily memories like your children are...
It hasn't even been 48 hours... I know these emotions will be tempered once my emotions can work with my ability to be rational and logical.
But right now I cant think logically and I cant be rational. I just feel....
And everything I am feeling hurts like hell.
We miss our babies so much...
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