Panic Attacks

Rhys Lewis "Better Than Today"

“Expect the best, plan for the worst and be prepared to be surprised."

"If you start from a position of optimism, you can find hidden “possibility” in the most remarkably dark and dire situations."

- from Ever Widening Circles

 
   The difficulty about going through a terrible ordeal is that you cannot possibly prepare for what is to come when you have no idea what is to come.  Therefore you are left in this cruel limbo of steeling yourself for what might happen, while trying to maintain hope and positivity towards some desired outcome.  As a result, every minute and every hour and every day just feels different.

   I can feel the onset of panic attacks starting.  I never knew what a panic attack was and frankly could not imagine what it must feel like.  I am typically someone who deals with tragedy (unfortunately I have dealt with my fair share) head on and focuses on the paths to overcome instead of the obstacles to get caught up in.  But this time is different...

   I stepped out the other day and while walking around I could feel my chest get really tight.  It was like everyone was staring at me when in reality no-one even noticed I was there.  I started to sweat.  I tried to swallow and it felt like it took every muscle in my body to make it happen.  I wanted to run as fast as I could and get out of wherever I was but at the same time I knew I could barely make my legs move another step.  I felt like I was going to start to cry.  Oh my God please dont let me start crying in front of all of these random people... then the panic.

   I need to get out of here.  I need to find a safe place.

   But that's just it.

   There is no safe place.

   This "cruel limbo" I am in is with me every second of every day and its with me no matter where I go and no matter what I do.

   I cant grieve because that would mean I am giving up and there is no way in hell I am going to give up.

   I cant be blindly positive because that would mean I wouldn't be building up the strength to deal with the real possibility of a tragic outcome.

   What do I do?

   I look at my wife.  I take one look at my wife lying in this bed, literally sacrificing EVERYTHING she can to save our babies.  I think about how close we are, how close we have become, and close we will always be.  I think about how I will never stop taking care of her, being there for her, loving her.  I think about how she is a piece of Savannah and Graham and always will be.  As long as I love and honor her forever then I am going to be able to love and honor my babies forever.

   Suddenly I can breathe again.  Suddenly I dont feel so sick.  I can feel the pain and the hurt but I can also feel the strength and the courage to get through this building up.

   The depths of our human emotion are truly incredible and while this is not how I wish I had to discover them, its remarkable nonetheless.

   So we will expect the best while we plan for the worst... and I will focus on this love I have for my wife and my family.  I might not have it figured out in terms of how I can get through this, but I know without a shadow of a doubt I ABSOLUTELY MUST be there to get her through this.  This strength I never knew I had will be there for my wife and I will without a doubt in my mind carry her through this.

   And as unbelievable as it sounds, discovering this kind of love and this kind of strength is truly a beautiful thing and something that brings me that much closer to knowing what its really like to be alive.

   Once again, Savannah and Graham continue to teach us and open up our hearts and our minds in ways only they could.  These kids... amazing.

Mommy and Daddy love you guys... sit tight and relax and please keep fighting.