Minute by Minute
Coldplay "Fix You"
Every single morning seems to feel like a brand new wave of pain. Its as if during sleep - no matter how short and restless that sleep is - things fade away. This horrible nightmare disappears. I think I had a dream, I cannot actually remember. I just know for a period my heart didnt feel like it was being strangled by a vice grip.
But then the morning comes... and it comes back for my wife and myself. It all hits us both the exact same. We held each other this morning and just cried.
More anger. More sadness. More questions... and no answers.
I tried to explain to my wife that these moments could very well be the final moments we get to spend as a family. As terrible as that sounds, this might be the last bit of "normalcy" or something resembling normal that we ever get. A beautiful wife and mom with two healthy babies inside and a proud father already in love with all 3 of them. I don't know if we can enjoy these moments with the black cloud that is ever present over our heads but... we have to try.
We had decided from day 1 that we would not find out the sex of the babies until they were born. But now we want to know... we want to stop calling them A and B because they aren't letters. They aren't a "pregnancy". They arent a decision for us to make or not make. They are our babies, our children and they will have names.
I dont know how I will react when we find out what sex they are. The pain of dreaming of what could have been will sting either way, it will tear me apart all the same no matter boys or girls or one of each. There will be no "best case" scenario... it will be another detail that just is. And it will hurt like every other details that has just been.
We will speak to the NICU people today too to be prepared for the event that one or both of these babies survive to a viable age. What happens then? What will you do to our babies? Will it hurt them? How does it work?
More questions I wish I never ever ever had to think about ... let alone answer.
Once again the nurse came in and she listened to their heartbeats... another dagger in our hearts. Healthy, strong heartbeats beating...
How could this be happening?
Now back to waiting... crying... hoping... praying...
Every single morning seems to feel like a brand new wave of pain. Its as if during sleep - no matter how short and restless that sleep is - things fade away. This horrible nightmare disappears. I think I had a dream, I cannot actually remember. I just know for a period my heart didnt feel like it was being strangled by a vice grip.
But then the morning comes... and it comes back for my wife and myself. It all hits us both the exact same. We held each other this morning and just cried.
More anger. More sadness. More questions... and no answers.
I tried to explain to my wife that these moments could very well be the final moments we get to spend as a family. As terrible as that sounds, this might be the last bit of "normalcy" or something resembling normal that we ever get. A beautiful wife and mom with two healthy babies inside and a proud father already in love with all 3 of them. I don't know if we can enjoy these moments with the black cloud that is ever present over our heads but... we have to try.
We had decided from day 1 that we would not find out the sex of the babies until they were born. But now we want to know... we want to stop calling them A and B because they aren't letters. They aren't a "pregnancy". They arent a decision for us to make or not make. They are our babies, our children and they will have names.
I dont know how I will react when we find out what sex they are. The pain of dreaming of what could have been will sting either way, it will tear me apart all the same no matter boys or girls or one of each. There will be no "best case" scenario... it will be another detail that just is. And it will hurt like every other details that has just been.
We will speak to the NICU people today too to be prepared for the event that one or both of these babies survive to a viable age. What happens then? What will you do to our babies? Will it hurt them? How does it work?
More questions I wish I never ever ever had to think about ... let alone answer.
Once again the nurse came in and she listened to their heartbeats... another dagger in our hearts. Healthy, strong heartbeats beating...
How could this be happening?
Now back to waiting... crying... hoping... praying...
Sending love and prayers to you and your wife and those sweet little babies- God chose you guys as their parents for a reason. ������
ReplyDeleteSending all my love to all of you. We do not know each other, we have never met - but I have been fortunate enough to know your mother in law. I am hoping that somehow, someway, there will be comfort for all of you.
ReplyDelete