Discovering The Depths of Pain
Jeff Buckley "Hallelujah"
The world is unfortunately full of examples of situations that are "worse" than the one you find yourself. Often we use that as a form of therapy... "well it could be worse..." I wonder... is there one person out there that is at the bottom of this terrible, awful totem pole of suffering?
Today I have discovered that my wife and I have joined many of those people way down on the bottom of the totem pole. Today we discovered that our twins who are now just over 20 weeks old inside my wife's perfect belly have a very, very, very small chance at survival. Our first and second child that we love with ALL of our hearts and have loved from the second they were conceived... will not make it.
We won't get to hold them. To hear them cry. We won't get to see their perfect little smiles. We won't get to wake up in the middle of the night and feed them. We won't get to watch them grow up and play sports and make friends and dress up for Halloween. We won't get to tell them everything is going to be alright because Mommy and Daddy love them and that we will never let anything bad happen to them. We will never know what it feels like to love them and be loved by them.
With each passing minute I am not coping, I am not healing, I am not getting better. Instead I am more upset. I am more angry. I am more sad. I can't stop crying. I cant stop looking over at my beautiful wife lying in bed on bedrest not allowed to move and wonder WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US? WHAT DID SHE DO TO DESERVE THIS? I am angry at God. And at the same time I am begging God for help and for understanding.
Even as the scenario unfolds, it becomes less real instead of more. It becomes more unbelievable every time the doctor comes in to check on my wife. Every time they come in and check the babies' perfect little heartbeats... its another dagger in our hearts that gets twisted a little more, driven down a little more deeper...
How could it be 24 hours ago we were going for a routine 20 week scan and ended up here? How could our babies be PERFECTLY healthy inside the womb but still be given a death sentence for absolutely no reason? How could my wife be lying in bed pain free but told she is in labor and 3cm dilated and having bigger and bigger contractions? How could any of this be happening right now?
I never claimed to be lower on that totem pole of pain than anyone else. I have always been a glass half full guy with an indomitable spirt of hope in the face of any and all obstacles.
In 2016, when my father was diagnosed with cancer.
In 2017, when my father passed away from cancer.
In 2017, when my wife was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis.
In 2018 when my brother in law, father to my 3 nieces and nephew and husband to my sister, suddenly and tragically lost his life.
Through all of it I struggled but never wavered.
But now... now things are different. I feel completely beaten down. I feel as if someone has reached inside and grabbed my soul and just stomped it into oblivion. I feel as if I cant see I cant breathe I cant think. I feel as though there is no tomorrow because what is the point of getting to tomorrow?
I have never felt like this before. I never felt this magnitude of loss. I have cried before of course... but the tears have never stung like this.
I am so tired of "being strong". I am so tired of "you will get through this". Dont tell me about what kind of "reason" there is for this happening. I have suffered - right alongside my wife - for years and to be dealt this is too much. Its too much and I am angry and I am pissed and I dont want to accept this. I refuse to accept it. I want to keep feeling angry and pissed and I want to just hold on to those feelings and never let go. Because those feelings are all I will ever have of my babies.
I am writing this blog because I need an outlet. And for anyone else who may have the same life-shattering news dropped on them, I want them to know you are not alone. In the hours after, I read a few blogs and even though the scenarios were not identical, the shared pain of losing a baby (babies) like this brought me a sense of numbness that felt infinitely better than the heart-breaking pain that just will not stop. At this point I think they best thing we can hope for is to just feel numb.... nothingness.
We have just started this chapter. We have only just begun what will assuredly be an uphill struggle that won't define us, but will certainly shape us and who we become.
I want to write in this blog whenever I feel I need to. And I will publish it. So that one day, if some one needs to know they aren't alone, they can read this and find the numbness they so desperately seek.
The world is unfortunately full of examples of situations that are "worse" than the one you find yourself. Often we use that as a form of therapy... "well it could be worse..." I wonder... is there one person out there that is at the bottom of this terrible, awful totem pole of suffering?
Today I have discovered that my wife and I have joined many of those people way down on the bottom of the totem pole. Today we discovered that our twins who are now just over 20 weeks old inside my wife's perfect belly have a very, very, very small chance at survival. Our first and second child that we love with ALL of our hearts and have loved from the second they were conceived... will not make it.
We won't get to hold them. To hear them cry. We won't get to see their perfect little smiles. We won't get to wake up in the middle of the night and feed them. We won't get to watch them grow up and play sports and make friends and dress up for Halloween. We won't get to tell them everything is going to be alright because Mommy and Daddy love them and that we will never let anything bad happen to them. We will never know what it feels like to love them and be loved by them.
With each passing minute I am not coping, I am not healing, I am not getting better. Instead I am more upset. I am more angry. I am more sad. I can't stop crying. I cant stop looking over at my beautiful wife lying in bed on bedrest not allowed to move and wonder WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US? WHAT DID SHE DO TO DESERVE THIS? I am angry at God. And at the same time I am begging God for help and for understanding.
Even as the scenario unfolds, it becomes less real instead of more. It becomes more unbelievable every time the doctor comes in to check on my wife. Every time they come in and check the babies' perfect little heartbeats... its another dagger in our hearts that gets twisted a little more, driven down a little more deeper...
How could it be 24 hours ago we were going for a routine 20 week scan and ended up here? How could our babies be PERFECTLY healthy inside the womb but still be given a death sentence for absolutely no reason? How could my wife be lying in bed pain free but told she is in labor and 3cm dilated and having bigger and bigger contractions? How could any of this be happening right now?
I never claimed to be lower on that totem pole of pain than anyone else. I have always been a glass half full guy with an indomitable spirt of hope in the face of any and all obstacles.
In 2016, when my father was diagnosed with cancer.
In 2017, when my father passed away from cancer.
In 2017, when my wife was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis.
In 2018 when my brother in law, father to my 3 nieces and nephew and husband to my sister, suddenly and tragically lost his life.
Through all of it I struggled but never wavered.
But now... now things are different. I feel completely beaten down. I feel as if someone has reached inside and grabbed my soul and just stomped it into oblivion. I feel as if I cant see I cant breathe I cant think. I feel as though there is no tomorrow because what is the point of getting to tomorrow?
I have never felt like this before. I never felt this magnitude of loss. I have cried before of course... but the tears have never stung like this.
I am so tired of "being strong". I am so tired of "you will get through this". Dont tell me about what kind of "reason" there is for this happening. I have suffered - right alongside my wife - for years and to be dealt this is too much. Its too much and I am angry and I am pissed and I dont want to accept this. I refuse to accept it. I want to keep feeling angry and pissed and I want to just hold on to those feelings and never let go. Because those feelings are all I will ever have of my babies.
I am writing this blog because I need an outlet. And for anyone else who may have the same life-shattering news dropped on them, I want them to know you are not alone. In the hours after, I read a few blogs and even though the scenarios were not identical, the shared pain of losing a baby (babies) like this brought me a sense of numbness that felt infinitely better than the heart-breaking pain that just will not stop. At this point I think they best thing we can hope for is to just feel numb.... nothingness.
We have just started this chapter. We have only just begun what will assuredly be an uphill struggle that won't define us, but will certainly shape us and who we become.
I want to write in this blog whenever I feel I need to. And I will publish it. So that one day, if some one needs to know they aren't alone, they can read this and find the numbness they so desperately seek.
My heart breaks for you and your family. I am so very sorry for your losses. My husband and I share your heartbreaking experience in that we lost our sweet daughter on 1/24 at 24 weeks gestation after a perfect pregnancy otherwise (until it wasn't). We also lost ourselves. We have no explanation and like you say, numbness feels far better than the battered and bruised shell you become after such a devastating loss. Know that you too are not alone. Holding you both in my heart.
ReplyDeleteKasia