Grief is Dynamic

"Need the Sun to Break" by James Bay

 "Tonight all the hells of young grief have opened again; the mad words, the bitter resentment, the fluttering in the stomach, the nightmare unreality, the wallowed-in tears.  For in grief nothing 'stays put'.  One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs.  Round and Round." 
- C.S. Lewis "A Grief Observed"

  What makes grief so brutally hard is its dynamic, never static.  It's like trying to hold water in your hands; it moves and changes constantly depending on the vessel trying to contain it.  One moment you will feel as though you have full control over it, and in the next instant it has completely taken over, impacting your every thought, every emotion, every breath.

   Our minutes, our hours, our days have been a perfect example of that.

   In moments like these we often turn to God for answers.  We turn to God for explanations and for resolution.

   But I am not so sure that is what we are supposed to be doing.  After all, if a simple request could get God to act and right the wrongs of the universe, wouldn't our world be a different place?

   I am turning to God but I am doing it to give thanks.  Thank you for each day.

   I am asking God not to just snap His fingers and fix everything, but instead to continue to give me the strength my wife and I need to endure this difficult time.  To give us faith, and hope that our babies lives' will be as long as we have always dreamed they would be.  Because I believe its that strength, that faith, and that hope that will be our only way of getting through this ordeal.

   Think of it like this: if a child goes to his parent and says "Mommy and Daddy this is hard fix it for me" and every time the parents intervene and just "fix" it... what will eventually become of that child?  Will they grow strong, capable, and independent enough to thrive?  Or will they become weak, incapable and dependent on circumstance, luck and others intervention in order to succeed?

   We are asking for the strength and resolve to make a miracle possible.

   Give us the tools so that we can continue to be the parents our babies Savannah and Graham deserve.

   We are ready to be their parents for the rest of our lives... and we are choosing to believe we will get that chance.

   Another day...