Never.

   Today we will find a final resting place and make all the necessary arrangements for our babies.

   Even as I type those words they seem completely and totally insane.

   I feel like the entire world is completely different.  I feel like my wife and I are at a party and we dont know anyone.  Everyone is laughing and joking and having fun and we are just sitting there, watching, not knowing what to say or what to do.

   Everything is a dagger in our hearts.

   I look out the window and I see the yard my children were supposed to grow up playing in.

   I get in my car and I see the back seat that was supposed to have my babies car seats in.

   I watch TV and think about all of the sports and Disney shows my children will never see with us.

   I go to eat and think about all the family dinners we will never have.

  Our entire home... a home we specifically created for our family... is now a constant reminder of our family that will never be.

   The pain is one thing... but the pain of knowing this will never ever go away is another.

   The love and support we have received has been overwhelming and without it I dont know how we would be able to survive.  But even then certain lines just sting even more at times...

   "... through these difficult times..." No its not a difficult time.  Its now going to be a difficult life.  Its going to be a lifetime of hurt and grief and pain and sorrow.  It will never go away, never fade, never get easier to take...

   I feel buried in a hole that I can never get out of.  The more I struggle to get out, the more dirt I pull on top of me.

   When will this ever stop...?

   Sadly, we already know that answer.

   Never.