Scars

  "Messiah" by Hildur Gudnadottir

"To be alive at all is to have scars."  - John Steinbeck 

    I remember for a brief time I held a job as a waiter at wonderful Asian fusion restaurant.  I had ZERO experience but the owners were unbelievably kind and more than happy to work with me and help me learn on the job.  My ability to interact and deal with customers was never a problem; in fact, it was my strong suit.  It was just one little detail I really struggled with....

   Carrying the food out on trays.  

   Ok so I guess it was kind of a big detail.

   No matter how I tried, now matter how I was shown how to balance the plates and drinks on the tray, I never felt comfortable walking through the swinging door from the kitchen out onto the floor with a giant tray of customer's orders balancing on my one hand.  And the sheer terror and panic was impossible to hide on my face, which was never lost on awaiting customers as I clumsily approached their table.  

   I never dropped a tray.  Never broke a glass.  But it didnt matter.  I still carried each tray, every day and every night, with the same amount of dread.  I made it through this one... but what about the next?  What about tomorrow?  What about this weekend dinner rush?  

   I know it sounds crazy, but on some level this is what I feel every day with our new baby while my wife is pregnant.  Every day is like I am carrying another tray out from the door, and I am terrified at the possibility of it falling.  

   I am beyond words in love with my daughter inside my wifes belly.  I am bursting at the seems to meet her and hold her and love her.  I want to hear her cry and see her beautiful eyes look up at me for the first of many many times.  I want to change her diaper and feed her, take her for walks and teach her about the New York Giants and make her watch Bath Rugby.  I want to hold her when she needs to be held and even when she doesnt need to be held because I just love her so much and I never want to let her go.  

   But... I felt those same exact feelings for Graham and Savannah.  All of them.  The same.  And I never got to do any of it.  I never got to experience any of it with them.  And that broke me.  Completely and totally shattered my heart and soul.  And as a result, my mind, my heart, I just cant get back to that place right now.  Not until she is here.  Not until the doctors hand my wife and I our baby and say "Everything is ok."  I just cant....

   I wonder if what I am feeling is normal.  I dont know.  I dont care.  There is nothing I can do to change it.  

   Like scars from an awful wound, I see them and feel them every day and I know they cant - they wont - go away.  

   I just want her here, safe in our arms.  

   Until then.... I am terrified.