Pain Can Become Strength

“Something to Remind You” by Staind

“One day we were born, one day we shall die, the same day, the same second... Birth astride of a grave, the light gleams in an instant, then its night once more.”
- Samuel Beckett

  In the book “When Breath Becomes Air” by Paul Kalanithi he recalls his first time working in the OB-GYN and his experience.  A woman, with twins at 23+ weeks in preterm labor.  They were doing everything they could to control the contractions and give the twins as much of a chance as possible.

   Within 24 hours, things took a turn.  The babies were in trouble and the doctors ordered an immediate C-section as a last ditch effort to save them.

   Kalanithi recalls the image of the babies being pulled from their mothers stomach.

“In plunged the doctors hands, pulling out one, then two purple babies, barely moving, eyes fused shut, like tiny birds fallen too soon from a nest.”

   The babies, despite being rushed to the NICU, would not survive.  

   Upon discussing the situation with the doctor in charge, she told Kalanithi:

“You think THAT is bad?  Most mothers with stillborn still have to go through labor and deliver.  Can you imagine? At least these guys had a chance.”

   Something about that entire exchange has haunted me since I read it.  The reminder that others have experienced this type of tragic loss.  The words of a seasoned expert in the field referring to my wife’s experience of delivering our sleeping babies as exceptionally awful.  To read the words of a doctor refer to what you experienced as something you can only “imagine” puts things into perspective.   The stinging words “had a chance”... something my babies never had.  

   My wife and I often cry and will say to each other “How is this our lives?”  I think all parents who lost children feel that way.  Its a constant treadmill of pain... you go through it day after day but you get nowhere.  You are still in the same spot.  

   So when these moments hit hard because of something that I read in a book, or something that comes up on TV, or when someone asks “Do you have any kids yet?”, there is a rollercoaster of emotions that ensues.  Sadness, anger, fear, longing, broken-hearted, envy to be one of the many people who have no idea what this feels like.... 

   Yes hunnie this is our lives now.  

   But every day there is something else, another feeling growing stronger and aiding in dealing with the heartache.  And I know what it is. I can feel it and its as real as anything I have ever known.  

   It’s my children, Graham and Savannah, encouraging me.  Its their spirit thats inside me that wont let me fail.  Its their strength to hold on and fight as long as they did giving me courage to not only “get through” another day, but to succeed beyond my wildest expectations.  

   I feel them everywhere I go and I know they are with me.  How can I let them down?  Like the doctors said about those babies “At least they had a chance”.  Well Graham and Savannah never had that chance.  Which means my wife and I are the only “chance” they have to make a mark on this world (more than they already have!).  They are my motivation to do the absolute best I can do and be the absolute best I can be.  In every word I speak, every action I take, I am the living embodiment of my perfect babies and therefore I must strive to be just as perfect.  

   If my babies’ time on this earth was but a blink, ours is not much longer.  

   I must - we must - make every day count.  

   Thank you my angels for always reminding me to be the best I can be and to not let life pass me by.  

   I love you both and promise to make you proud.