I will never let go what I must let go of...

What is harder than a rock?  What is softer than water? Yet hard rocks are hollowed out by soft water...”

- Seneca 

“Let Go” by Grace Potter

 One of the biggest challenges in life is to let go of something while never letting go.  

That sentence is a total contradiction, right?  But that is how I would describe losing Graham and Savannah.  

The pain associated with them not being here, thinking of all the things that should have been, its enough to destroy me.  When I begin to focus on those things, I cannot move.  I cannot breathe.  I become sad, dejected, angry, resentful... I want to quit, give up on life.  I do not want to wake up, I do not want to go anywhere or do anything.  I want to live in that pain, just wallow around in it and be miserable.  I do not want anyone else or anything to come near me or talk to me, I just want to feel that way.  

There is no description for that feeling.  Only people who have lost something so profound can understand the feeling I am talking about.  It transcends every imaginable thought of what “pain” or “sadness” means.  It’s devastating beyond all possible explanation.  

This is what I want to and need to let go of.  Not Graham and Savannah, but this feeling.  It’s destructive and it provides no comfort, no hope, no solace.  It ruins relationships, it stifles motivation, it crushes dreams... I begin to hate this feeling as much as I hate the mystery of why my twins were taken from us.  

But how can I let go when this feeling is attached to my babies?  I cannot think of them without this feeling creeping, lurking in the background.  I can smile for a moment imagining taking Graham to his first football game or holding hands with Savannah on her first day of school... but then I immediately feel sick to my stomach when I know that will never ever happen.  That we never even had a chance for it to happen.  And then the feeling returns....

So how can I do this?  Let go but hold on?  I want to think of Graham and Savannah every day... I need to think of them everyday.  They are my life, my heart, my soul... they made my wife and I parents.  They are Thea’s brother and sister.  They are mine.  My babies.  My loves.  My everything.  There is no way I will ever go through a day without them on my mind and close to my heart.  

I figured this much: I do not need to have an answer.  Not today.  Not right now.  I just need to do... do something.  Anything.  And acknowledge that that is a success. 

Wake up?  Check. 

Get dressed?  Great job.  

Exercise?  Fantastic!

Go to work and do my absolute best?  YES!!!

Small, seemingly innocent actions that mean I am not letting that feeling control me.  It is there, it’s always there... but it does not control me.  Because I am still living and doing those things which constitute a happy and healthy lifestyle.  That is how I am letting go of that feeling, while NEVER EVER letting go of my babies.  

One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.  I will control what I can.  I will let go of what I cannot control.  I will hope and pray that one day I will see my babies again.  Until then... I must let go without ever letting go.