Life is Worth Living
"The Funeral" by Band of Horses
"Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact."
- William James
How has it been over a month since we lost Graham and Savannah?
What the hell have I been doing these past 5-6 weeks?
How have I worked? Exercised? Eaten? Slept?
How did I make it through one day... let alone two... let alone three?
I honestly do not know. I know the strength of my marriage, the love of family and friends, the love I have for my babies and desire to never give up for them... I know that all played a part. But still...
... how the hell did I make it this far?
Because there was a time... a time when I truly believed life was over. Not my breath, not my heart beating in my chest, but my essence. Everything that made me who I was had been irreversibly destroyed and now I would have to trudge through the remainder of my years a shell of a human being.
Sure I would laugh again but there would be no happiness behind those smiles.
Sure I would love again but that love would be shallow and empty inside.
Sure I would hope again but that hope would be overshadowed by knowing that pain and disappointment could and would be lurking right around the corner.
Life would go on... but it would have to go on without my participation. From now on, I am just a observer watching it go by. Watching other people be happy and watching them get all the things they deserve and even things they don't.
The sun truly does shine on the wicked ... some horrible people never get what they deserve.
But thats a different story for a different post... I digress.
But like the above quote says, I do have a belief that life is "worth living". Despite all that we have been through, despite my broken heart that I know will never heal, despite the pain I feel every day knowing I will never see my babies or hold them again or watch them grow up together or hear their voices.... despite all of that I believe that life is worth living. And that belief is strong and no matter how deep of a hole I have been in, or will be in, that belief is what keeps me moving forward. It is how I have gotten through one day... two days... three days....
I don't have to know how life goes on... I just know that I want to make the most of it. I want to make if worth it. I am a father to two beautiful angels in heaven Graham and Savannah, a husband to my beautiful wife and a son and a brother and nephew and a cousin and a friend and a employee ... I have much left to do, many people - inlacing Graham and Savannah - to make proud while I still can. Sitting on the sideline and watching the world go by is not how I am going to accomplish that...
And that is how I will get through another day without you Graham and Savannah... not because the pain is any less, or because I have gotten over it. But because life IS worth living. It is always worth living no matter what. I won't waste this gift that was taken from you both so soon, too soon... I love you both so much and I promise I will get it right, I will do it right, and I will do it ALL just for you.
"Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact."
- William James
How has it been over a month since we lost Graham and Savannah?
What the hell have I been doing these past 5-6 weeks?
How have I worked? Exercised? Eaten? Slept?
How did I make it through one day... let alone two... let alone three?
I honestly do not know. I know the strength of my marriage, the love of family and friends, the love I have for my babies and desire to never give up for them... I know that all played a part. But still...
... how the hell did I make it this far?
Because there was a time... a time when I truly believed life was over. Not my breath, not my heart beating in my chest, but my essence. Everything that made me who I was had been irreversibly destroyed and now I would have to trudge through the remainder of my years a shell of a human being.
Sure I would laugh again but there would be no happiness behind those smiles.
Sure I would love again but that love would be shallow and empty inside.
Sure I would hope again but that hope would be overshadowed by knowing that pain and disappointment could and would be lurking right around the corner.
Life would go on... but it would have to go on without my participation. From now on, I am just a observer watching it go by. Watching other people be happy and watching them get all the things they deserve and even things they don't.
The sun truly does shine on the wicked ... some horrible people never get what they deserve.
But thats a different story for a different post... I digress.
But like the above quote says, I do have a belief that life is "worth living". Despite all that we have been through, despite my broken heart that I know will never heal, despite the pain I feel every day knowing I will never see my babies or hold them again or watch them grow up together or hear their voices.... despite all of that I believe that life is worth living. And that belief is strong and no matter how deep of a hole I have been in, or will be in, that belief is what keeps me moving forward. It is how I have gotten through one day... two days... three days....
I don't have to know how life goes on... I just know that I want to make the most of it. I want to make if worth it. I am a father to two beautiful angels in heaven Graham and Savannah, a husband to my beautiful wife and a son and a brother and nephew and a cousin and a friend and a employee ... I have much left to do, many people - inlacing Graham and Savannah - to make proud while I still can. Sitting on the sideline and watching the world go by is not how I am going to accomplish that...
And that is how I will get through another day without you Graham and Savannah... not because the pain is any less, or because I have gotten over it. But because life IS worth living. It is always worth living no matter what. I won't waste this gift that was taken from you both so soon, too soon... I love you both so much and I promise I will get it right, I will do it right, and I will do it ALL just for you.
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